Have you ever wondered where you will be five years from now? I do! In fact sometimes I wonder where I will be Tomorow. I hate this not knowing. I never know if it's gonna be a fight day or just a I'll put up with you day. If you asked me five years ago I never would have thought I'd be here. I can't help but think if my life is going to be like this forever. I hate arguing in front of our kids but it's the only real time I get Trevors attention. It's so sad and pathetic. Sometimes I feel like I am torturing myself and the kids. The boys love their dad so much. I just wish I had my friend back. It can get very lonely. Sigh, I also hate complaining all the time. It's not who I want to be so topic change.

I love my kids so much! I am continually blessed and grateful that God knew I would need such an amazing sensitive little boy. There are usually several times in a week where God uses my kids to teach me a lesson, and let me know I am loved. Like jaden wanting to pray for the big kid who pushed him off the slide, to telling me he appreciates me or is proud if me. So tonight I pray for my kids. I pray God will continue to mold and shape them. I pray Jesus that you would guide Their steps. Place people who love you in their lives who can help them learn and grow in the things that matter the most! Amen

Little things

Some times little things can make big impacts or remind us of important things! Thats why I love kids so much. They are so good at pointing out little things. Children are also very good at sensing the spiritual realm. Life right now is very busy. Trevor is working 6 days a week and long days. I have a two and a half year old who is very attention seeking and a three and a half month old who is attention needing. Some days are just overwhelming. Then Every once in awhile God gives us a little gem. The other night my eldest son was playing with a flashlight. He was having so much fun shining it all around and seeing how everything looked. Then he looked at his daddy and said " daddy the light is cleanning the dark" WOW!!!! How true of a statement! God's light cleans up the dark!
Amen.

A Moment

A moment! Sometimes that's all we need to keep us going. A moment. Today I needed a moment. I was feeling very overwhelmed and stressed. Kids were acting out and I just needed a moment. Jesus, thank you for allowing me a moment to get in your Word and breath. Thank you for walking this Road with me.

Thankful

So I have really felt your prayers!! Thank you!! Things are ok. The time we spend together is still unbelieveably awkward but we are spending time together. Trevor is making more effort. I still feel so emotionally detached. However there is some good, I have started going to my parents church and Trevor has said he would come! That would mean a lot to me as being a family is so very very important to me. I pray God will speak right to Trevor's heart tomorrow. My boys will be so happy to have daddy there! Not gonna get my hopes up that he will continue to come but I also believe God can work miracles!
With everything going on in the world right now and what'sgoing on in my heart it feels so overwhelming. God bring peace to my heart and to those who are really struggling. Jesus we need you now more than ever!!!!

I need prayer

Oh my marriage is not at all how I thought it would be! I don't know what else I can do to try and repair the years of hurt and resentment that has built up. I feel so emotionally detached from my husband and it's starting to show. I have tried talking to Trevor but he doesn't understand the severity of where I am at. We've been to councelling, we've had countless discussions. I feel like I've tried so much and been rejected. Now however it seems like Trevor is finally putting in some effort and I am the one that's done. I am super agitated whenever he is around. Everything he does is annoying to me. When he touches me I almost cringe. I don't want to feel this way but I do and I don't know what to do about it! I know we need Jesus in our marriage! Trevor has shut him out and I feel like my time with God us so limited right now with a toddler and a newborn and a house to run. I have started a bible study but there is no child care so my attention is divided plus I am very disconnected at my church. I am gonna start going to my parents church for the support and accountability during this time. I need prayer!!! I'm feeling at a loss.

Mother-in-laws

Oh my mother-in-law!!! I have said on more than one occasion, if I knew the amount of stress and trouble my mother-in -law would cause before I got married I may have chose differently!! I could write for hours on this topic however I am simply going to ask for prayer for grace, understanding and love for my mother-in-law.

Life Moves On

It's been a long time since I have made it here to post anything. Life has been crazy busy, as usual. I am now on Maternity leave for the second time with my second son. James Karl is a joy! I am so thankful for him! He was tiny, only 6lbs and 9 ounces. He had a knot in the umbilical cord and it was wrapped around him twice. The first thing the Dr. said to me was "good thing he was a c-section". God knows these things and helps us prepare and plan, isn't that amazing! Through that rejoicing however, I know others have challenges with their deliveries and children. It makes me wonder why me. Why was my son spared? I praise and thank the Lord everyday for my little James. Such a blessing.
Jaden is adjusting. We've had some challenges and are very much still settling into this new life. I see glimpses of the joys to come having two boys. Something that always terrified me before I had them. Jaden is learning and growing so fast. I sit in amazement. He is a very intelligent little boy! He brings so much love to my life.
Trevor is still here. That says a lot doesn't it, lol. Oh what to say about my marriage. It's been odd. We are spending more time together. Our family time is the best time we have together (as it's been for the last year or so). Trevor is a wonderful dad. He loves his boys. Lack of sleep doesn't do him good but I suppose that is normal for most people. Emotionally I feel like our marriage is dead. I really don't feel any connection to Trevor anymore. It makes me sad to say that but it's true. It has been beneficial in a lot of ways thou, so I believe it's a stage that God has us in. I know that seems crazy to say but it really has made us discussing issues much easier, I have been able to remove myself emotionally and just talk rationally with Trevor. A lot less crying happens. the hardest thing for me right now is Sunday's. Taking two children to church on my own is challenging. I really don't have any real connections with anyone at my church anymore so it's very lonely. I miss my family being there. Jaden also really wants Daddy to come. He usually gets upset every Sunday and goes into a "Daddy come" meltdown. I haven't shared this with Trevor (at least not more than what he has seen). I don't want it to be a guilt thing. Trevor not coming to church anymore is completely his decision. It's wreaked me to no end. I struggle every Sunday remembering my loss and feeling it for my children.
I do feel very uncertain of my future. Especially when it comes to my marriage. I am too scared to say it's gonna work. I have built up walls and have hardened myself so much in this area. I know this will hinder me in moving forward with Trevor so I suppose this is something I should seek prayer in. My prayers as of now are just to dig in to Christ. My Rock, my Saviour, My Foundation. I have struggled to find time to get into the Word or even just to pray lately. I am rejoining a moms group that is doing a fantastic bible study right now so I am exciting about that. I am also looking forward to getting a little quiet time as my family settles into a routine and life with 2 boys becomes the norm. Well I suppose that's all for now.
Thanks for reading (if anyone still does, lol)